vichyssoise of verbiage

This is not Peter Pan complex.

Peter Pan Complex:
avoids responsibilities, people tell them they are childish and need to grow up, would rather live in their head than the real world, wants success to just happen to them, focuses on fantasies more than reality, believes they deserve to have whatever they want, life lacks direction, never know what to do next, does dumb things frequently, inconsistent performance, lazy, slacker, does the minimum to get by, does things without thinking, does not feel they have any reason to accomplish anything, tend to ignore or put off problems, believes fun is the most important thing in life, most people think they are crazy, forgets scheduled appointments, more past than future, gets attention through negative behavior

That, is the psychological definition for the Peter Pan complex.
Which frankly, I am inclined to disagree with. 
I find it too all encompassing and overly comprehensive. 
If you take the the time to read the messy, presumptuous and fragmented blurb above, you’ll realize that some of these so called symptoms of the Peter Pan syndrome are not at all uncommon to a regular person. 
Ask any adult and chances are, they have felt that way before at one point of their adult lives and they’re still perfectly functioning,successful individuals.
Some of these symptoms are merely things I would like to call idiosyncratic hiccups.
There is a term, puer aeternus which is the Latin translation for “eternal boy” and guess which pointy eared,green clad lad fits that description?
Jung describes it as a stereotypical archetype of the human psyche.
There’s a puer aeternus in us all.

The problem with that definition is that it is far too static and it includes behavioural outliers in its basal definition of a syndrome. 
K I’m unintentionally sounding like an obnoxious tard.
I’m just saying everyone is entitled to bouts of irrationality.
What more, those traits aren’t mutually exclusive to the Peter Pan Syndrome- it may well be indicative of a myriad of other personality disorders.
And even then, nitpicking and sourcing out these disorders is anal and in some cases, inconclusive. 
What do you hope to achieve by highlighting this to the unfortunate soul?
Granted, if that individual is some juvenile prone to recklessness and is evidently screwing their life over, that diagnosis is their Messiah. 
Though frankly, if that person is more or less peachy keen fine and dandy most of the time, pointing out that they may well be…defective may not necessarily help.
K now I’m just being an annoying armchair psychologist.
But whatever, this is just my opinion, not a universal truth.

Now why did I just go off tangent, launching into a long rigmarole about the Peter Pan Syndrome?

Because the fact of the matter is, growing up terrifies me.
It’s not at all easy (oh look, I’m overstating the obvious again)
And it’s not equivocation but rather…incompetence.

I doubt myself sometimes.

Thing is, all of this is a necessary cross and we’ll just have to deal with the fact that in most things, there will opportunities riddled with uncertainty.
I just thank God that I’m not alone.
But, not the time for negativity.

Oh look. 12:20am.

This time last year, I was struggling and busy.
And here, I sit, breaking in shoes and watching BBT.

Happy Birthday to me!

 

Phased Out?

In light of seeing someone fairly closely slowly fade into irrelevance of late, the natural track of thought I would follow would be to question if they(I refer to all the rest who have been relegated, voluntarily or otherwise, to drudgery) were at all important in the first place.

And the answer is regrettably a resounding yes.

It would be futile to question their significance in my life because in one (depraved) way or another, they have taught me something.

That saying, the one that goes “If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t return, it was never yours. If it comes back, it’s yours forever. Love it forever”
I might have misquoted it. Pardon me if I did, but it’s something to that effect.

But if you think about it, it’s virtually impossible (pun unintended) to fully let someone go in this day and age.
There’s every possible form of social media brimming with updates from their life.
Unless you blocked them from access at every possible platform, then clearly, hostile estrangement.
And c’mon, we’re in Singapore.
There is a near non existent probability that you won’t run into them ever again.

If you do have a somewhat amicable split (romantic or otherwise), casual updates now and then are going to happen.
Then what?

One of the more rational course of actions to take would be to be on amicable albeit distant terms with the said individual.
Say hi and bye, throw in the casual chitchat- that will work.
But nothing more, nothing less.

Do not expect to go back to what you had- be it a relationship or a friendship.
If it does, count your blessings and do a better job.

These things do not unfold nicely all the time however, in crisp, uniform lines of origami-like pristine.

That’s where the problem emerges and you have to, more often than not, accept the very real reality that what you pine for is the past.
Question what you miss- the memories, or the person??

I know I know, the logical chain of my discourse has been somewhat circular and analogous and not at all evolutionary but it hasn’t occurred to me at this juncture how I could phrase everything in a coherent and systematic manner.

I suppose I was questioning the premise and significance of those relationships gone.

Even those that returned, they have acquired a milky translucence of their previous forms.
Dialogue is no longer a comfortable stream of thought, gibberish and opinions but a carefully orchestrated sequence designed to be neutral, unoffensive, light and unfortunately, ephemeral.

They are meant to be nothing more than fleeting, casual quid pro quos of pleasantries and polite inquiries.
Tokens generously doled out to overcompensate for the distance, that gaping void of estrangement. 

I never considered them phases.
At all.
I regard the more unpleasant ones as necessary crosses but-
tch.
Perhaps I’m just being fussy about the semantics.
I don’t think of them as phases.
Because they weren’t people I outgrew, or people that held a colossal amount of importance at one juncture- but I regard them as something more.
And there is something cold, unfeeling and….dismissive about the word phase.
I understand that it is meant to encapsulate the essence of all things ephemeral.
Nevertheless, I feel that something that anyone who held that amount of influence and affection in my life cannot possibly be passed off as a mere developmental cross.

I guess, at the end of all of this aimless verbiage is perhaps the undeniable truth that it saddens me that those people are gone and are merely chapters penned, corrected and closed.  

P.S
That being said though, there are some people who remain who constantly make me question if love is a habit.
Because you’ve been doing it for so long that you don’t know how to regard that individual in any other manner.
Because some of them are so horrifically repellent- aesthetically speaking and in terms of their demeanour- that there is no organic, logical reason explaining why one would want to even be associated with them.
Even acclimatization can be overridden.
But to elicit that amount of sustained affection and love from me, you must be pretty important.  
So to those few, I love you anyway, you depraved psychos <3 

Read This: Frivolities

Disclaimer: This is a rant. This is potentially offensive and this is my opinion and not a universal truth. It is somewhat emotive so don’t try nitpicking on the structure and expecting fluid logical evolution and causality. Focus on the message. 

If you do remember, and I assure you, I greatly appreciate it if you do:
do not get me anything for my birthday.

Call it arrogant, tell me I have a stiff upper lip, call me insane- sure, carry on, indulge yourself.
But I frankly see no point in birthday presents. 
Not for myself anyway.

Personally, I do enjoy giving people gifts- a new bag, that new Chanel lipstick, Diablo 3, streams of designer stationary, jewellery.
I prefer indulging others, seeing them happy. Because I know being the recipient of those trinkets make them feel loved, appreciated, remembered and what not. Those things are desired and they do make them feel happier and what not. 

(I am trying very hard not to look contrary and arrogant here but no matter-)

I don’t.
I don’t want a new MacBook, a new puppy, new earrings, new body products, new shoes, new jewellery, new make up- nothing.
I don’t want anything for my birthday.
No, this isn’t one of those attentive-seeking-reverse-psychology-manoeuvres used by girls to try and get things out of their friends/boyfriends.
It would genuinely upset me if any of you who read this/are close to me got me something.

I know my parents have something planned for me- I know it involves unnecessary decadence, dollars and drab drab drab patronage on my part.
(It is an arduous endeavour to persuade them to abandon these plans)
They tell me all these saccharine little things about how I’m “God’s greatest gift” and how important I am.
They say that they want to love me because I’m their only child and as a result, they want to spend a little on me.
And I truly appreciate that. 
But I do not appreciate the indulgent, frivolous decadence that ensues the proclamation.
Don’t bring me to some fancy restaurant, getting me a hugeass cake and making a big deal out of everything.
Buy me dinner, a regular one, at any of the places we usually eat at, get me a waffle after-that’s that.

I am not being an ingrate. I appreciate the sentiment behind the action.
I really do.
But the pointless expenditure of money, hard earned money, money you spent 20 over years at your job for, money that came from overtime, money that could have bought something new for the whole house- that money, doesn’t have to be spent on me. (We’re not rich, but being rich doesn’t give you an excuse either)
If I have to be absolutely technical about it- the opportunity cost incurred is unnecessary and if anything, pretty darn wasteful.

Some of you might say:
“Why are you depriving your parents/friends of the joy of giving? You’re a hypocrite- you said yourself, giving feels good. Why are you depriving others of that joy?”

But do note what I said- I like to give to others because I know it will make them happy.
The joy of giving is conditional- it hinges on the fact that the recipient must feel joy at receiving the gift. 
How would you feel if your gift was accepted with a mild smile and a patronizing word of thanks?
Or worse, if they hate it and the disgust is clear on their face. 
How would you feel, if your gift isn’t wanted?
I don’t want gifts, not happy to receive them, because I don’t regard them as symbols of love or affection.

This is the problem:
I quite detest the association of gifts and all-with love.
This is not consistent with every single occasion/birthday- but this is just particularly applicable to me.
People say they give gifts because they want to show the person they love and care for them.
Why should the association be there?
Okay, because the person expended precious time, money and thought into that gift, sure.
But I for one, do not like that.
At all.
There is something very heartbreaking about the whole affair.
Why, does affection have to be expressed with gifts?
I don’t need a material proliferation of your affections to know you care for me.
Presence over presents. 
Be there for me when I need someone to talk with, to commiserate, to cry, to laugh, to game, to engage in reckless debauchery- BE there.
I want your presence, not your presents.

Why do we celebrate Christmas, for instance?
Jesus’ birth was something to make a big hoo ha about.
Savior, Messiah, Son of God- THAT is something you throw a huge Mardi Gras parade for.
That’s what the dinner parties, turkey, festivities, confetti and joy is for. 
I’m not alluding to the fact I’m comparatively an insignificant pile of lard, bone and flesh, although I am, but the thing is-
was my birth a big deal?
Sure, to my folks, family, and I guess, to those who care about me.
But I think there is something very romantic, very beautiful and more importantly, very real- about just letting something pass quietly, peacefully.

I don’t mind catch up dinners with friends, simultaneously celebrating my birthday (cake is optional- because cake is good and I won’t say no, doesn’t matter whether the cake is a birthday cake or just a regular piece of ambrosia serving no commemorative purpose)-that sits well with me.

But eurgh, for the good Lord’s sake and mine- I quite dislike surprises.
I don’t want to be surprised with new trinkets or gifts or dinners.

For this same reason, it disgusts me when people (predominantly females, yes I’m mildly misogynistic towards my own gender, so sue me) pull exasperating little stunts in a bid to get their boyfriends/parents/friends to get them things for their birthday. 
coz yey we haz new thingszx i lubb eu.
y u no get me the *insert assorted frivolity here*

For shame, wench, for shame.
If you get a gift, you be appreciative, and you thank them.
You don’t demand to know why the bag has a stain or a faulty zipper, you don’t whine about how it’s the wrong shade of pink, you don’t ask why it’s late, you don’t joke about it being ugly/gross/detestable and hoping a “LOLJK” overrides it.
It’s rude, unappreciative, bratty and obnoxious. 

You don’t look the gift horse, in the mouth.
You don’t EXPECT a gift, because you’re not ENTITLED to one. 
Gifts are a priviledge because people around you care enough to get you something because they know that it’ll make you happy.But when you start actively hankering for gifts, demanding to know why you haven’t received one, telling people specifically what you want, posting up a long wish list and pining for it, heavily hinting for people to get you something-

well, I’m ashamed to be classified in the same gender as you.
Where is your sense of self respect?

But but but you’re just kidding right?
Joke only!
Bluff bluff, play one only. 

……………..

Cut the bull, girlfriend. 
You and I both know you are secretly waiting on tenterhooks for that person to acquiesce to your poorly concealed allusions, praying for them to pander to your wants. 
Because it’s your birthday, and that totally,automatically grants you ethereal powers of supremacy over others. 

That’s the other thing about birthdays, gifts and the like- it’s so incessantly narcissistic.
It’s no secret that I’m narcissistic(I direct you to the endless camwhore photos and my consciously inflated opinion of myself) but birthdays are the one day in a year where girls (in particular) endlessly revel in their existence, steeping in their awesomeness, expecting others to fawn over them and patronize them. 
Because they want to feel loved and appreciated on the day of their birth.

This is absurd.
If you love and appreciate someone- I scarcely think you need to wait 365.25 days to lavish them with affection and love, to treat them like royalty and all that jazz.
If you truly appreciate someone’s existence- you respect them and treat them well every single day of their lives.

Birthdays are tokenistic, indulgent and more often than not- an excuse to garner affection, attention and gifts.

I will admit- I too, am athazagorapahobic.
I do not wish to be forgotten, I do want to be wished too- but it ends there.
Just wish me, if you’re closer to me, send me a meaningful text/card/email, hug me- we’re good.
You don’t have to get me anything, and it would upset me if you did.

It upsets me to know that you’ve spent unnecessary dollars on me, on things I don’t really need. 
Even if it’s practical- chances are there’s still a very equitable degree of frivolity.
I like giving presents- not a huge fan of receiving them.

So, to be somewhat curt about it, this birthday (and every subsequent one), respect my idiosyncratic inclinations-

lay off, alright??